Connection (February 18, 2007) Song of Solomon 1:1-2:7 - What Makes a Great Partnership Part 2
Song of Solomon 1:1-2:7
Connection
What Makes a Great Partnership Part 2
Have you ever been so enraptured (full of desire) with someone that you want to just leave everything you have and go away with this person for the rest of your life?
This is the emotion that opens the romantic story of the Song of Solomon. This is the first book of the Bible that opens with a woman's voice.
As the Song illustrates, when two lovers meet, they first notice and speak to each other what attracts/connects them.
Notice what the woman says about Solomon:
HOW THE WOMAN COMPLIMENTS THE MAN
She compliments:
1. His romantic gestures - Your kisses taste better than wine. (1:2)
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth-
for your love is more delightful than wine.
(Song of Solomon 1:2 NIV)
2. His manners - You smell nice (1:3)
Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes;
your name is like perfume poured out.
No wonder the maidens love you!
(Song of Solomon 1:3 NIV)
3. His abilities to love her - You are more than good enough to me (1:12-14)
While the king was at his table,
my perfume spread its fragrance. My lover is to me a sachet of myrrh
resting between my breasts. My lover is to me a cluster of henna blossoms
from the vineyards of En Gedi.
(Song of Solomon 1:12-14 NIV)
4. His physical features - You are handsome (1:16)
How handsome you are, my lover!
Oh, how charming!
And our bed is verdant.
(Song of Solomon 1:16 NIV)
5. His provision - Your place is secure (1:17)
The beams of our houses are cedar,
And our rafters of fir.
(Song of Solomon 1:17 NKJV)
Complimenting someone is the way to build the skill of connection. This skill should not end when a couple gets married. It is a skill that needs to be developed, honed, and improved. One of the ways to develop your connection is to compliment the woman on her attraction.
While the woman is often willing to complement the man, she is more often asking for the compliment herself. Many time for women, they need to hear from the man that she is special. Women will many times ask their husbands for clues to see from their husband that they are special. There is a fundamental reason for this.
Women define thier attractiveness on the words of other men. This is a very important lesson for men to learn. Women will define thier attractiveness based on the words of other men.
This is the reason why the woman in the Song talks about herself in a way that seems negative. She asks for others not to look down upon her because of her dark skin in (1:6). She says this because someone told her she was not attractive because she was dark. Women hear these statements all the time. They receive hurting words because they are always being compared to other women and put alongside a standard of beauty that the society defines.
For example, how many times have you seen a picture of a tall, thin, nearly-naked woman? You see it here in Germany all over the place. What does this communicate to women? Look like this and you will be attractive. You see this standard when companies see make-up, cosmetics, or some new technique to make a woman look beautiful. The society says you need to go to a tanning salon so that you can look dark. A company sells its product and says it will eliminate wrinkles. A store displays a piece of clothing and says you should buy it so that you will look attractive.
So women have this enourmous pressure placed upon themselves by society - and every man to be exact - to look attractive. Now the problem is that most men don't know this. But women do. You see it illustrated by the woman here. Look with me at the way that this woman describes herself:
HOW WOMEN VIEW THIER ATTRACTIVENESS
1. She knows she is lovely even though she looks differently (1:5)
I am dark, but lovely,
O daughters of Jerusalem,
Like the tents of Kedar,
Like the curtains of Solomon.
(Song of Solomon 1:5 NKJV)
2. She wishes that others would still say she is attractive even when she looks different (1:6)
Do not look upon me, because I am dark,
Because the sun has tanned me.
My mother's sons were angry with me;
They made me the keeper of the vineyards,
But my own vineyard I have not kept.
(Song of Solomon 1:6 NKJV)
3. She defends her complexion. (1:7)
Tell me, O you whom I love,
Where you feed your flock,
Where you make it rest at noon.
For why should I be as one who veils herself
By the flocks of your companions?
(Song of Solomon 1:7 NKJV)
So the struggle to keep up with the standards of attraction in society are there for the woman. The woman is always being asked or told by other women about thier attractiveness. Women are always being compared by other women.
The woman wants to know from the man how attractive she is. This is the reason why the woman turns to the man in this drama and asks him in (1:7).
So the woman will ask the man - Do you think I am attractive?
FISHING FOR A COMPLIMENT
Let me illustrate how women will go looking for compliments from their husbands. My wife is going fishing. Now, she is not going to go to a physical lake and fish for food. She is going to come to me and fish for a compliment. You see men, our wives are sometimes going to go fishing for compliments, and the first fish they will try to catch is from you. So, here comes my wife with her fishing gear and she is going to ask me some questions. These questions are the hooks on the line that she will use to fish for a compliment. Now these questions are very important and they need to answered correctly.
QUESTION: How do I look in this dress?
You two are getting ready to go somewhere special and your wife asks you this question. What is your answer?
You look nice. You look wonderful. That dress compliments you well. These are some good answers.
What is she really asking you? Do you love me and do I look attractive to you?
Yes you do love her and she looks attractive to you. You need to express this in your answer.
QUESTION: Do I look fat?
Now the answer to this question is ALWAYS No. It doesn't matter if she is the biggest person in the room. If you are her husband, your answer is:
No, of course not honey.
What is she really asking you? Do you love me and do I look attractive to you?
Your answer to these questions is yes I love you and yes you look attractive and no you are not fat.
Now, there may be a time to discuss health issues with one another. It is not healthy to stay fat. Every doctor will tell you this. But when your wife is asking about a piece of clothing and wanting to know if you still love her even though she is overweight, that is not the time to go into dieting plans. This only tells her that you wish she was someone different.
QUESTION: Did you notice my new hairstyle?
Remember, she is looking to you for her cue about her attractiveness. While there is a time and place to deal with improving attractiveness, men don't want to cause unnecessary problems in their marriage by discussing her flaws. Because eventually the woman will go look for someone else to find her value. She will listen to another man who says she looks attractive when her husbands stops fishing.
The woman in the Song knows that the king loves her and finds her attractive. He takes the bait and tells others that she is beautiful.
Look at the compliments that he shares with her in this section:
Your face is beautiful (1:10)
Your cheeks are lovely with ornaments,
Your neck with chains of gold.
(Song of Solomon 1:10 NKJV)
Women know that one of the ways a man will complement them is in the face.
Your complexion is nice (1:15)
Behold, you are fair, my love!
Behold, you are fair!
You have dove's eyes.
(Song of Solomon 1:15 NKJV)
He even doesn't even mention that she has dark skin. He compliments her without referring to the insecurities that the woman has about herself.
Now look at what the king says about his friend near the end.
Like a lily among thorns,
So is my love among the daughters.
(Song of Solomon 2:2 NKJV)
What is that for a romantic statement. This guy puts Romeo to shame.
What do these complements do for the woman? She starts talking about her lover to everyone. Look at what she tells her friends.
Like an apple tree among the trees of the woods,
So is my beloved among the sons.
I sat down in his shade with great delight,
And his fruit was sweet to my taste.
He brought me to the banqueting house,
And his banner over me was love. Sustain me with cakes of raisins,
Refresh me with apples,
For I am lovesick. His left hand is under my head,
And his right hand embraces me.
(Song of Solomon 2:3-6 NKJV)
Men, you know what will happen when you spend time giving compliments and encouraging your wife? She will start to talk better about you with other people.
Now we can spend time talking about the fact that women shouldn't talk evil about thier husbands. But the fact is that most women will speak about thier husbands anyway. So if you want more harmony in your home, and if you desire that your family have a better reputation among the neighbors, men you can start by complimenting your wife. Wives, you can start by speaking well of your husbands.
I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem,
By the gazelles or by the does of the field,
Do not stir up nor awaken love
Until it pleases.
(Song of Solomon 2:7 NKJV)
I have been speaking to couples mostly in this sermon. But these lessons are for singles as well. What stands out most in this section is the wisdom that the woman shares with her friends. She says: You know, it is nice that I am attractive to some man. But I want you to know that this skill of attraction is not all that romantic love is about. It takes more than romance to connect with someone.
People define their relationships on looks and attractiveness alone quite often. When the looks fase, then the relationship ends. But the Song of Solomon teaches us that attraction is not only the beginning, but the basis of responsible romantic love. We shouldn't let romantic love run too fast in our relationships. This is a very important lesson for people who are not married, but are in a romantic relationship. There is much more to love than just attraction. We have to follow the process that God has given for us to grow the right kind of romantic relationship that God wants us to have. He wants us to go from singleness to married life, but only when we don't let romantic love run us over.
